


I Don't Wanna Feel Nothing

by wangskth



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mutual Pining, Past Internalized Homophobia, References to Depression, Softness, Suicidal Thoughts, also i don't know how to tag but i'll try my best, but those are in the past, i don't know why i did this, im gonna add characters to the tags as i go, lets get to the good stuff, lots of flirting, only the depression and anxiety is gonna come up in this story, snowstorm, the smut not yet tho, the tags are just because kun may or may not talk about it, theyre gonna get snowed in when jaehyun comes over, what a coincidence!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 01:33:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13043751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wangskth/pseuds/wangskth
Summary: A rainy day. A nice stranger sharing his umbrella. They exchange numbers. They meet up to study languages together. Along the way they get snowed in, so the stranger has to stay over.Sounds like some cheesy romantic novel, right?Except it isn't. It's Qian Kun's life.





	I Don't Wanna Feel Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I actually intend to keep writing (if everyone wants me to) because there's barely anything in the Kun/Jaehyun tag and I plan to change that! I hope my writers block doesn't keep being this bad, and also, English isn't my first language and although I'm pretty good at it, I do sometimes still make mistakes, so please bare with me! This is also not unbeta'd so!! you can find me on [Twitter](https://www.twitter.com/wangskth) and [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/wangskth)!
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this fic :) leave me your opinion in the comments!!

Kun had known he liked boys since he had developed a crush on one of his friends when he was twelve years old. And although he never acted on that crush, not even to find out if it was really a crush or if he was mistaking close friendship with something more, he knew that he was gay. Nothing ever happened with the friend; not only was he scared to actually confess his feelings, he also knew that his friend didn't like boys in that way. 

When he got into High School, he soon enough found someone who liked him back and with who he could explore that side of himself a little more. That led to him getting his first hand job in the bathroom of his school after PE one day, a rushed and hasty but nonetheless pleasurable experience, which also made him feel even more secure in his sexuality. Sure, sexual experiences didn't have to play into discovering your sexuality and being sure about it, but for Kun this experience was like a safety pin, keeping him from giving in to his doubts. The boy and him stayed in contact, they met up a few more times but they never went any further than that, as it was more of a trying out for the both of them.

In his last year at High School he had tried to come out to his mother, explaining to her that the way she told him he was going to feel about girls was the way he felt about boys; they made him feel giddy and he had butterflies in his stomach when looking at his current crush, a brunette, tall guy with the name Sicheng. Despite his mom being completely supportive of him being gay, a lot of kids in his school weren't so supportive. Someone had let it slip that Kun liked boys, and so the last few weeks at high school were hell for him.

The boys' bullying and name calling triggered something deep inside Kun’s mind. He suddenly struggled with accepting the fact that he was just not like the other boys in his school, wishing he could just be normal, and for a long time he had felt like him being gay was something he needed to be ashamed of. This pushed him into feeling like something was wrong with him, like he needed to be fixed; soon enough he couldn't even count the anxiety attacks that followed these thoughts anymore. He isolated himself from most of his friends, Sicheng being one of the only people he would open up to. 

A few weeks after he had finished High School, his parents decided to move to Korea. Kun’s dad had been offered a full time position in the company he worked for but it required them to move to Seoul. His parents had thought long about this, not wanting to rip their son out of his familiar environment while he was struggling so much with his depression and anxiety, but Kun had urged them to go for it. A new start would be a good thing for him too; after all, no one in Korea knew about his sexuality and maybe, just maybe he’d feel better there.

They moved in January, Kun and his dad already travelling to Seoul to prepare everything there while his mom stayed behind to organize a few more things and pack the last few cartons. In the beginning everything seemed to go well but that was only until the loneliness started to creep up on Kun. He soon slipped into depression again and his anxiety got worse too, so his parents decided it would be a good idea if he would go and see a therapist once a week. Even that didn’t help him though, and he felt really, really hopeless and deprived of any energy he thought he had left.

That was until he had met Jung Yoonoh, or as he liked to be called, Jaehyun.

Looking back at it, Kun knows that meeting Jaehyun was what saved him. As dramatic as it may sound, Jaehyun came along at the right time, and if he wouldn't have come along... Kun doesn't even want to think about what would have happened then.

They meet when he’s walking home from another long and exhausting therapy session. It had suddenly started to rain and of course Kun had forgotten to bring an umbrella, as to the sun being out when he had left the house to see his therapist, who had his office across town. He lets out a quiet string of curses, feeling his thin shirt getting soaked by the heavy rain in a matter of a few minutes, and he knows that it’s too late to get his leather jacket out of his little backpack now.

From one moment to the other, the raindrops stop falling onto his skin and he has an umbrella above his head, securing him from the rain that keeps falling endlessly.  
When Kun raises his head to look at why the hell there is suddenly an umbrella above his head, he stops walking. His breath gets stuck in his throat as he looks at the guy that is looking back at him with a soft smile on his lips and those warm, chocolate brown eyes of his that seem to be staring right into Kun's soul.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, and if you want me to, I'll leave again, it's just... you... you were getting so wet and you aren't wearing a jacket and I wouldn't want a pretty boy like you to catch a cold just because he forgot his jacket."

The words leave the boy's lips in a rush and Kun has to concentrate to understand what he's saying because, first of all, the rain is way too loud, and second of all, Korean isn't his mother tongue. Despite having lived in Korea for almost two years now after moving there, Kun didn't really have much time to learn the language; between trying not to give up on life and focusing on finishing school (his parents let him be home schooled after his mental state got worse) there really wasn't much time to learn another language.

"Mh... it's okay. Thank you a lot for coming over. You're like a knight in shining armor... kind of."

Kun's gaze falls onto the taller guy's outfit. He’s wearing a long winter coat, tight black leather pants, a button down shirt and black boots. His red-brown hair is a little curly, at least from what he can see, because the stranger is wearing a grey beanie and it pretty much doesn’t give a lot away. He tears his eyes away from watching the boy when the other suddenly clears his throat, but as soon as he starts speaking again, Kun can’t help but look at the boy.

"I'm Jung Yoonoh, but please call me Jaehyun, everyone calls me that", he mumbles in that soft, silky tone that has a kind of calming effect on Kun.

"Qian Kun, nice to meet you, Jaehyun."

Jaehyun’s eyes widen at the mention of Kun’s name, and he tilts his head a little to the side as if he’s trying to figure something out, and Kun has no clue what exactly he’s trying to figure out until the boy opens his mouth again to speak.

"Oh, you're not from Korea? Don't get me wrong, your Korean is amazing, but... You do still have an accent and your name is Chinese so I just..."

Interrupting the boys rambling, Kun nods quickly and adds, "Yeah, I'm from China. Moved here two years ago, haven't really had that much time to learn the language yet."

Jaehyun's eyes widen at that and he looks like a little child who just found out he's getting everything he wants for Christmas.

"This is weird... so weird. But I've always wanted to learn Chinese! No one wanted to teach me though, or better, I didn't have anyone who could teach me... Do you think you could...?"

Looking up into Jaehyun's big, brown eyes and his expression ever so excited and at the same time so cute, Kun knows he's fucked. He'd always had a weakness for cute, tall boys, and this one didn't even know him and yet he knew how to get on Kun's good side.

"You know, it's Christmas break at the moment, so if you want to... you can come by my house tomorrow and I can teach you some basics... But only under one condition." Jaehyun seemed to be eager to find out what the condition was, his eyes sparkling in excitement and God, how could anyone ever say no to someone this cute.

"You'll teach me more Korean, and I'll help you learn Chinese."

The taller boy laughs softly, his eyes forming soft little crescents as he does, and it makes him look even more beautiful.

"Deal! Now... I mean I have nothing against conversations in the rain under an umbrella with a cute guy, but maybe we should get you home so you don't catch a cold? Your clothes are soaked after all and you look like you're about to freeze to death."

Talking to Jaehyun made Kun forget how cold he actually is, but now that the other boy has brought it up, the feeling in his body comes back to him and he starts shaking almost immediately.

"I didn't even realize how cold it was getting, you had me so distracted... But... ngh... it's freezing out here, I hope there's not gonna be a snowstorm tonight."

Kun looks up at Jaehyun as he gently pushes the umbrella into his hands, takes his phone out of his pocket and hands it over to him. "Put your number in my phone, so I can text you and you can tell me where you live. I mean, I can barely come by tomorrow if I don't know where to go."

After putting his number into the taller boy's phone, he gives him his phone back and watches him confused as he steps out from under the umbrella.

"Don't look at me so confused, I live right over here so don't worry about me getting home safely. Just try to get home quickly, you can give me my umbrella back tomorrow!"

Kun feels a rush of warmth come from the pit of his stomach being caused by how caring Jaehyun acts with him despite not knowing him for that long, and he tries to shrug it off as quickly as it comes. He can't do this, he can't develop feelings for someone he's just met. He simply can't.

"Bye, Kun-ssi, it was nice getting to know you!"

And that's it. The way Jaehyun says his name. Kun knows he's fucked. On his way home all he can think about while holding the umbrella is how easy it was to talk to Jaehyun, his smile and those brown eyes. When he walks into the house and his mother welcomes him back, the first thing she says is that he looks so much happier today, and she keeps asking about his therapy session and if it went that well, until Kun just can’t hold back any longer.

“Mom, I’m not in a good mood… not really. But I met this guy on my way back home, he was also the one who lent me his umbrella, and he’s gonna come by tomorrow and teach me Korean, while in exchange I will teach him Chinese.”

His mom tears up out of nowhere and pulls him into a tight hug, leaving Kun completely confused as to why his mom is showing him so much affection after he told her about Jaehyun.

“Honey… I’m so happy you’re finally making friends, this is so great! Do you want me to cook for you two tomorrow? Or do you wanna order something? I could…”

He interrupts his mother’s ramblings as he slowly pulls back, letting a soft laugh escape from his lips at how energetic his mom is reacting to the news of a friend coming over. That’s what Jaehyun and Kun were now, right? Or was it too early to call this a friendship? Kun let out a quiet sigh before he moved a strand of his mother’s hair out of her face.

“Look, we’ll see that tomorrow. I don’t even know how long he wants to be here or when he’s gonna come, so don’t worry about that too much, I’ll handle it all.”

He presses a soft kiss against his mom’s cheek and makes his way upstairs into his room. Pulling off his soaked clothes, he makes his way over to the shower to warm up a little, and also to get his mind off Jaehyun.

But all he can think about during his shower are those full lips and that soft smile and those brown eyes and… 

Kun is fucked. He’s so damn fucked.


End file.
